Lewis Black destroys GOP talking points on health care

Transcript

I've always had a great health care plan; I plan to someday care about my health. But I was all ready to support president Obama's health care reform until I saw these incredibly convincing arguments against it.

[House GOoP video]: 1 in 5 people have to die because they went to socialized medicine.

I've got bad news for you: 5 out of 5 people are going to die anyway. Now, I know that's supposed to scare me, but all I heard was socialized medicine means less traffic. Now, back when Clinton tried to reform healthcare, I learned to reject it from commercials.

[Harry and Louise Ad]

Who needs health care reform when you're so in love that you finish your partner's [gazes at Jon]

Stewart: What?

Black: Sentences! The word was sentences, dammit! It's like you don't even know me anymore! That's it...I'm staying at my sister's tonight!

The problem is a personal one for Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell

[McWeasel video]: I had a friend in Florida who had a friend in Canada that died because the government decided he was too old for a certain kind of procedure.

Your anti-health care anecdote is a friend of a friend? That's not even enough proof for an urban legend. I have a friend of friend who brought home a dog back from Mexico. Then he shaved it. It turns out, someone had stolen his kidney and replaced it with a polaroid of my toothbrush up Richard Gere's ass. Go figure! If you can't give me any evidence, then at least do the honorable thing and confuse me.

[1994 stylee flowchart video]

I'm so glad I don't have insurance, because that road map seems like a huge pain in the ass, which by the way, I've been suffering from for over 15 years. Should your ass bleed when you sneeze? I just admitted I have a pre-existing condition! Gosh...I'm so tired of all this health care talk and I know I'm not the only one. Noonan?

[Peggy Noonan video]: When I was a kid growing up, we never talked about health care. Why did America become obsessed with health care the past 20 years or so?

You're not fooling anyone, lady! You weren't a kid 20 years ago. When you were growing up, people didn't talk about health care because they thought that they got sick from witches! But you're right; when I was growing up, we didn't have ads about health care. We had ads like this.

[dancing cigarette video]

That was my Spongebob. And he could have taught me to dance or smoke. Believe it or not, I chose dance.